“Get Married” – A Book Review

There’s a lot of discussion on this blog about marriage and singleness. As far as I can tell, most single girls who visit this site deeply desire marriage – and many feel “stuck” in a prolonged season of singleness. We often lament, “Where are the men? It’s not like there’s anything I can do about my single state. After all, I’m a woman, and the men are supposed to initiate, right?” What’s a girl to do?

Enter Candice Watters’ outstanding new book Get Married: What Women Can Do To Help It Happen. As the founder, former editor, and advice columnist for Boundless webzine, Candice understands the issues single women face. She writes with warmth and encouragement, taking a no-nonsense approach to a woman’s place and responsibility in pursuing marriage. To quote from the back cover: “Marriage. It’s good and natural to want—and it’s something most of us are called to. But if that’s true, why are so many women single beyond their expectations? And what, if anything, can they do about it? Plenty! . . . You can be content with where you are today and still desire marriage in a way that honors God. And there are things you can do to help it happen.”

Sound good? It is! No more self-pitying refrains of “. . . but there’s nothing I can do.” This book will give you fresh hope and encouragement, no matter how long you’ve been single. And you’ll find plenty of Scripture to help deepen your understanding about relationships.

Please note: This is not a feminist, “girl-power” book. “[It] isn’t a book about desperation or the hyperactivity of joining every dating service and singles group. You won’t find a list of a hundred tips for meeting a hot man or five things you can do today to help you get married tomorrow.” If that’s what you want, keep looking. But if you want to examine your mindset, understand more about God’s plan and reason for marriage, and learn to live like you’re planning (not just hoping) to marry, this is the book for you.

Now there’s no excuse. If girls read this book, they’ll no longer say “there’s nothing I can do.”

Go for it, girls! Marriage is a worthy and honorable goal – Get Married!

- by Jeannie Castleberry

Doorsteps

I believe in doorsteps.

Some of you might already know what I mean by that, particularly those who were there when it was coined. I'm afraid I can't take credit for the saying and I can't remember who was the first to start saying it, but among a small group of single girls that phrase is significant.

I believe in doorsteps. I believe that God can create miracles in a place that is barren. I believe that God is powerful and if it is His will, the right man could show up on my doorstep.

So many times I have heard people admonishing singles to get out! Get looking! Stop sitting around and waiting! And I agree, to an extent.

We shouldn’t just sit around, twiddling our thumbs. We should do what we can with what we have, where we are, whether it be folding laundry and helping out at home, working in an office, or going to school. Neither should we turn up our noses at opportunities to make friends with guys or avoid social events where young men might be. However, to be quite honest, I have to say that I believe it to be a rare few girls who actually do that.

Some of us are living in places where there are no eligible young men. Maybe all the good ones are taken. Maybe none share the same convictions as we do. Maybe none are old enough or ready for marriage. And maybe some are just not paying attention to all the young women who are waiting to be asked.

It's hard during a dry period, where you feel hemmed in and without hope on the horizon. It's hard to hear people tell you that if you just did A, B, and/or C, you'll meet a guy, because that doesn't always happen and sometimes A, B, and C aren't possible. It's hard to hang onto hope.
And that's where believing in doorsteps comes in.

Believing in doorsteps means opening the door – to hope. God is a God of hope and miracles and He would never have us lose hope. He would never have us doubt His abilities, never believe that anything is too impossible for Him. Even granting a single girl a husband, when she has been waiting so long.

I don’t expect my Dym – as I have begun to call that man who I have yet to meet, but hope to marry someday – to necessarily show up on my doorstep. I don’t expect a husband to fall into my living room while I wait in my own little corner.

I live life. I work. I laugh. I dance. I sing. I live. I don’t pin my hopes on every man that crosses my path because…I believe in doorsteps. I believe that God is in control and He knows which man may be my Dym. I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to wait twiddling my thumbs or go out on an epic mission searching for a man. God has the master plan and that’s enough for me.

And so, I hope. I hope, I live, I work, I pray, I wait…and believe in doorsteps.

- by Krista Skinner
from the IDD Blog

On Desire and Longing- a taste from Quest

As young women, our longing for romance and marriage, for husband and children, is a desire implanted by God Himself at the core of our beings. This hope is part of the foundation of our identity as women; thus the wrestling we face when we are told to be content as singles or to “put our emotions to sleep” can be fruitless and frustrating.

For me, the yearning to go to the High Places returns with new strength at unexpected moments: while sharing the adventures of beloved characters in a well-written book, or watching a friend fall in love with a good man, or being surrounded by the pungent aroma of an autumn campfire. It whispers in a baby’s chuckle and beckons from the warmth of a father’s embrace.

One such experience came recently when I woke up earlier than usual. The tall arched windows in my bedroom overlook acres of forest. The faintest hint of pink tinged the tops of the trees, promising a glorious sunrise. Hugging my knees, I savored the cool breeze drifting through the window and listened to the birds begin to sing. I was perfectly content—yet I felt my heart reaching, yearning. This beauty called to me. It beckoned for me to come…but come where?

The High Places. Was it the desire for a masculine hand to hold mine and share this timeless moment? The answer will aggravate you: it is both yes and no. Everything is sweeter when shared with a best friend for life, your one true love, your man. Without him is loneliness and melancholy. With him life blossoms into a passionate intoxication of delight. From secular love songs to Christian novels, the climax of a woman’s life always comes when she is finally with her man. Sound familiar? Perhaps it does, not only because it is touted in our culture, but because a song in the same key echoes from inside us. Deep inside. Too deep to be blamed on the attempted brain-washing of a depraved culture. There rises a call, a dream from our soul.

What is this thing that draws us? That will not allow us to remain content in the valley our entire life? This tug women feel cannot be captured in mere words, nor confined even within the vast reaches of our own hearts. It is what I refer to as the call to the High Places. Not merely to a man, to romance, or to marriage, which our Christian culture magnifies as the ultimate goal, but to our Father’s High Places.

Do you see? What is often translated as a girlish longing for romance runs far deeper. Our Lord, the mighty and loving King of Kings, calls us to come with Him to a life the world will never understand. He has a much higher purpose for our lives than we could ever imagine.

We seek eternity. The beauty that tugs at our hearts is the echoe of everlasting life that awaits all of God’s people. Our gracious Father gives us glimpses of those riches through dim earthly mirrors. Through marriage is seen a powerful and unique manifestation of what lies beyond. To marvel at and reach for these gifts should not be condemned.

Would you like to join me on this journey to the High Places? The quest demands that we examine our motivations and dreams and allow the Lord to remove any weight that hinders our climb. We follow Him to the High Places by any path He chooses. Our goal is not freedom from the bane of singleness or the subjugation of all our emotions (if only we could still them once in a while!). No, the High Places awaken a desire in us that traces back to our purpose for existence—beyond marriage and even beyond our lives on this earth. The issue of guy-girl relationships is just one of many mountains we face, but for many of us it is the climb through which God chooses to test us most deeply during these “in-between” years.

The longer I wandered in the valley the more comfortable I grew living for less than the best. The High Places held a holy wonder that sparked terror deep inside. In the core of my being echoed a question unbidden, which I was incapable of answering: “Do I really want to go there? Do I really want to be laid bare before a Holy God in all His majesty?”

Above all, a fear clutched at the back of my mind holding me paralyzed. “What if God does not give me what I really want?” It sounds foolish when spelled out in black and white, but that did not invalidate its grip on me.

We dread giving our cherished dreams to the Lord, because…what if He takes it away? How can we bear to relinquish something so close to our heart? To do so would inflict a gaping wound, and pain is to be avoided at all costs—right?

Dare we trust our Father to faithfully provide for us? Are we willing to yield our dreams for marriage and intimacy and permit Him to do as He pleases? Are we sworn to seeking the High Places even if it becomes clear that our journey will not include the firm grip of a prince’s hand to help us over the tough spots? Is our passion for God’s glory strong enough to withstand the pounding of emotions?

Our Shepherd knows our fragility. We do not love Him even the smallest percent of what we should, nor do we give Him half of the devotion He deserves. Yet no matter our place on the climb, He offers His hand. “You love me only this much?” He asks. “Well, then I will give you the strength to love Me just a little bit more today, and a little bit more the day after that, until you are so full of love for Me that there is no room for anything else.”

- Excerpted from Quest for the High Places - Updated Edition

Thoughts on "Sand Castles"

The publication of "Sand Castles" prompted some excellent comments. For those who did not recently read this thread, I am posting some of the ladies' thoughts here. I am deliberately including various perspectives from ladies in diverse situations. May it be good food for thought...

Roxi: I am 31 years old now and "never been chosen by a man," especially a very godly one. But in the last year - since I've turned 30 - I have truly accepted the fact that maybe the "solid castle" of God for me is not marriage. So...I am happy with whatever He chooses for me. Until now He has chosen a life of singleness. My heart is ready to dedicate and love a man, like it is already doing that with God and other people. But if He doesn't provide me with a family, I am truly happy! My happiness is Him alone, not circumstances and other relations.

Dear sister, I will pray for you what I pray for me as well: that my heart and all I am is dead (It's not me who lives but Christ in me) and only Him and His plans, and His life, and His character live in me! Then we find true happiness and joy.

Katie: I can completely relate to everything you said here. I'm also in my twenties and have never had a relationship, and I have very much felt the pain of the man I cared for in love with someone else. It is a lonely place sometimes. But I have a beautiful picture in my mind of my godly husband, and I truly trust that someday a real, live man will slowly fit into that picture. And it's a wonderful place to be, to trust God for it all. I have felt so close to God through all of the pain.

Joanna: "For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him" (Isaiah 64:4).

I can appreciate your pain, having married at 30 after a decade of waiting. Let me say one thing though. While marriage is wonderful and dream-fulfilling, it is also dream-shattering too. Our dreams in our little minds are daily shattered as we must learn to die to self and live with another sinful human. Marriage is too glamorized in many ways. The reality of it (even with a wonderful godly man!)can be hard to handle.

Singleness is so so hard--I know--but marriage is so so hard too! The joys are great but so are the sacrifices. God tells us that in His word--that married people will have trouble in the flesh. So don't despair....please....pain is part of living. Whether single or married, we must learn to live with it. No man on earth can know and satisfy the desires and expectations of our hearts, and because God is the only One who won't fail and won't fall.

Anonymous: Also, the writer and any readers might find comfort as I have in Twila Paris's song, "I Will Listen," part of which says:

And I will listen to His voice
Could it be that He is only waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams
that He has dreamed for me

Another Joanna: This post is a tremendous encouragement to me, having seen a broken sandcastle wash fully away recently. Since I've walked through the pain of a broken courtship, the fire of love & loss, I can sympathize with some of the writer's pain--although I'm 7 years younger.

Dear sisters, keep at the front of your mind the fact that Christ is our ultimate Husband (the Church is His Bride), and if He calls us to serve Him without a husband, He is not doing it whimsically to cause us pain, but lovingly for our own better good and His glorious purpose for us. It doesn't seem so glorious, I grant you, but--"I do not consider the sufferings of this present time to be worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed."

For myself, as much as I long for a husband to love & be loved by, and for children to train & delight in, I have been led to lay this in the hands of God fully, and to accept that He may have me to be unmarried for some years, if not my whole life. He has showed me a path of humble service to my family & others that, if followed obediently, I am confident will enrich me and bring me joy, even if the rose has thorns.

It is a daily struggle to keep my eyes on Him and not on my dear dreams, or even on others' fulfilled ones. But I believe that His strength will be made manifest in my weakness, and that in faith I can walk this road--and I have the same confidence for all of you, dear sisters, because is founded in the LORD--the Almighty of Heaven and Earth, and the Rock & Shelter to which you may continually come.

Anonymous: You know, it's not just you single girls who build sandcastles in your minds. We married girls have to resist the temptation to do that as well. It's so easy when you're single to imagine how wonderful it will be to find "the one", but like someone else said, marriage is hard. To all single ladies, ask God now to help you discern the difference between dreams and fantasies. For example:

Godly man = dream

Perfect man who's wildly romantic, yet dependable and always knows what you need without having to be told = uh, fantasy. Ask me how I know this.

Right now God is teaching me to be content with my husband of 13 years and stop trying to change him or dreaming of ways he might improve. He's not perfect (neither am I), and that's okay. I'm learning, finally, what it means to be his helpmeet. It's great to build him up instead of criticize him, and I think I would have learned all of this sooner if my expectations had been reasonable, instead of building such a dreamworld in my mind.

Anonymous: I couldn't help thinking of the parable Jesus told--how the foolish man builds sandcastles while the wise man builds his life on Jesus. I know that's not quite the way He told it, but my mind melded your story and His. "Trust in Yahweh and He will give you the desires of your heart" has been on my mind much in the last year or so--not as a promise that He'll give us whatever we want, but that He will make our desires pleasing to Him! In His presence is fullness of joy!

Mary Beth: This article resonates with me. I am 32 and "never been kissed," never dated, or been in love. I have never "seen myself" with any particular guy. I have been solitary, along with my sisters, in our pursuit of holiness and loveliness that is altogether lost in our society.

Let us all have hope and not be weary in our well doing! My older sister Cori is marrying her sweetheart Brian next Saturday. They have known each other a year now; he is a local boy, born and raised right down the road from us. Their paths crossed vaguely several times over the last 15 years, but they did not recognize one another until they were matched by a modern-day matchmaker. They are so very happy. Cori is 37.

So, don't give up. Keep your life busy in work and ministry to others. This too shall pass, all in God's good time, even though we may not understand or agree with it!

Sand Castles

I feel sad. Earlier I felt I could cry. It is so hard sometimes to be satisfied in where God has placed me. To be content. Have you ever been 26 years old and still so very single? Never had a kiss stolen, never held hands with a man in mutual affection. I've never been chosen by a man. I've been waiting a long time.

God has helped me. He's listened to all my cries from my heart, as I weep because--well, I'm not sure why. But I have wanted to marry a specific man. He saw my crestfallen face as I heard that he loved someone else. He's seen how over and over again I love someone in my own funny way and they turn around and choose someone else, often marrying them. Over and over and over again...

I talked to God about the state of my heart today. I was heavy hearted, frustrated, jealous, and not content with where I am. He showed me a picture of a sandcastle: a rather ornate little sandcastle. This is my dreams, my fantasies I create when I choose someone. I think about them, imagine something happening and create a castle of sorts on the sand.

That man has never been the one God has for me. But for some reason it was more fun to have a castle of sand than no castle at all.

But He showed me another picture. This time I saw a real castle: a real solid structure with bricks--solid bricks. This is what He has for me. Notice the future tense. "Has" if I will only wait and hope in Him. Someday He will give this to me. This place and these dreams He has for me.

I can let the ocean come and knock my little castles into the ocean, wash them away...wash away the dreams. The dreams that have been trampled on. The unsolid dreams that never were going to amount to much anyways. The dreams that have brought so much discontentment, pain, and turmoil.

They were only sand. Ornate in the fact of all the time and energy I put into them, but they were my dreams, not the dreams God has for me. They were fantasies not the truth, not the reality God will place in my life in His time. He already has the blueprint. He has the bricks and the mortar. He's building a foundation in my life to build this castle.

Why do I keep building my little sandcastles on shifting sand that the ocean will soon pull into its cold and salty self? I look down the beach and see so many castles. And the rain of my tears can wash them all away as I relinquish my dreams again and wait and let God build the real thing.

- Name withheld by request

A Spinster Looks at Proverbs 31 (2 of 2)

Read Part One here...

She is not afraid of the snow for her household; for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh for herself carpets of tapestry; her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Sounds like a pretty classy lady to me. I'm certain that it pleases God when I put out the effort to show that knowing Him makes His daughters more beautiful. I'm certain it blesses others when my dress is neither too dull nor too bold, but refreshing, sunshiny, and restful to the eye.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

Staying in the background and helping to make my boss look good is pretty easy, but consistently honoring him in my attitude is something that only comes from Jesus.

She maketh linen garments and selleth them, and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

This lady is a real entrepreneur...something I've never dreamed of being. I wonder what God will teach me about this one?

Strength and dignity are her clothing; and she laugheth at the time to come.

Ah yes. I can stand tall because I'm His.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and the law of kindness is on her tongue.

I think the Holy Spirit wants to remind me that as a woman, I've got influence I can use for good, if I'll work with Him on it. And there's no need to use sarcasm to defend myself from teasing. If I stick to gentleness, He'll look out for me.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

This is becoming a joy to do, but it takes a choice. As a naturally dreamy person, I could tune out needs and resent the interruptions of everyday life...or I can enjoy keeping a beautiful, well-stocked apartment.

Her children rise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her, saying: Many daughters have done worthily, but thou excellest them all. Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

Did you know that this is a promise? If you fear Him, you'll be praised. Period. I've discovered (to my surprise) that you don't need a husband and children to receive appreciation and love and recognition for the things that Jesus is doing in you. He knows how to get the message through to you, and sometimes He'll use the most unexpected people.

Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her works praise her in the gates.

And even if no person notices what you do, for every secret sacrifice, every obedient action, and every beautiful attitude, oh how real is His approval and love!

- by Elisabeth Adams

A Spinster Looks at Proverbs 31 (1 of 2)

It was lunch break, and I was sitting down for a quick "Bible snack" when my eyes fell on Proverbs 31:26: "The law of kindness is on her tongue." Though I've read it a thousand times, this time it went right to the quick. Uh-oh. You mean, kindness to the classmate who is doing his utmost to replace the pesty older brother I never had?

I've heard this passage applied to married women; I've even heard it applied to single women in general, but now I began rereading it with a whole new sense that it was written for me.

(Feel free to listen in: you just might come up with an application to your own life!)

A worthy woman who can find? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband trusteth in her, and he shall have no lack of gain.

Hmmm, no husband, but I do have a boss. Can he trust me to be follow all the rules of my workplace, even though no one is watching me?

She doeth him good and not evil all the days of her life.

There are no days off from honesty.

She seeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

I'm seeking out research material, not wool and flax, but am I working with it willingly? Or am I trying to get done studying Pliny as fast as possible so I can move on to more appealing topics?

She is like the merchant-ships; she bringeth her bread from afar.

...and sometimes in a backpack. I used to hate shopping, but God is helping me to turn it into an adventure.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth food to her household, and their task to her maidens.

Probably this means making sure the house is ready for guests in a timely manner. Bathrooms clean? Coffee pot on? Cookies served? Or am I rushing around at the last minute?

She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

I wonder what this means in my case. Certainly that I ought to be investing in the future, with whatever talents God has given me - and not merely getting caught up in the demands of today.

She girdeth her loins with strength, And maketh strong her arms.

She sounds pretty "in shape" to me! Fortunately, though I am by no means a sports-player, I do love to walk – and have plenty of places to walk to. I think it keeps me happier and more balanced spiritually and emotionally.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is profitable: Her lamp goeth not out by night.

This does not mean staying up all night, much as I'd be tempted to interpret it that way! I've heard that in Bible times, a nightlight was kept burning in the house. However, if someone forgot to fill it before they went to bed – out it would go. Much as I'd love to burn the midnight oil, I find that I can't give my best work to God or my employer if I don't get enough sleep.

She layeth her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.

No sewing is going on in this house, but certainly I can be reminded to make use of the small moments in the day, rather than frittering them away on things that neither refresh me nor fulfill the goals God has given me. Uh-oh. I'm sure some of my internet use falls in that category.

She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

A good reminder to give the commodity most precious to me: time. If I get lonely, don't some of the friends I've been neglecting feel the same way? This reminds me of a lovely promise that comes from the marginal reading of Isaiah 58:10: "Give to the hungry what your soul desires..." As a single girl, what do you desire most? Kindness? Love? A simple acknowledgment that someone knows you exist? If you give that out, "...then shall your light rise in darkness, and your obscurity be as the noonday; and the LORD will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in dry places, and make strong your bones; and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not."

...to be continued

- by Elisabeth Adams

Seasons of Singleness - Part Two

Why Waiting?

From our perspective, some waiting is purposeful, and some waiting is purposeless. Waiting at 13 isn’t easy, but at least it’s the way it’s supposed to be. Frankly, we feel that a family-hearted woman who is still not married at 30 is not the way it’s supposed to be. The fact that my 33 year old friend has been married for 6 years without children is not the way it’s supposed to be. The fact that (barring a miracle) Joni Eareckson Tada will spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair is not the way it’s supposed to be.

Elisabeth Elliot defines suffering as “Having something you don’t want, or wanting something you don’t have.” Everybody has suffering. Even, as Natalie has been so faithful to point out, courting, engaged, and married women. Suffering is not the way it’s supposed to be, but it’s part of living in a fallen world. It doesn’t make sense, but God doesn’t try to make it make sense to us. To the oxymoron of a boil-covered, bereaved righteous man in the book of Job, the only answer He gave was Himself.

If it’s hard to see God, try watching for Him in the lives of His suffering children. See the beauty? See the platform for His glory? Are you picking up that incredible fragrance that starts you thinking about heaven? That’s not the answer to suffering: God is. But at least it reminds you of Him. And He is always the way He is supposed to be.

It’s easy to feel a twinge of pain when you encounter the happiness of courting and married friends. Perhaps you want to turn to cynicism: oh, it isn’t as good as it looks. Perhaps you just want to check out of their lives. Or perhaps you may see a picture of God’s heart: this is what He wants to do for all His children. This is what He wants to do for you.

I love the powerful imagery of Psalm 78, where notable among the afflictions of God’s people was the fact that “their virgins had no marriage-song.” What did God care? Well, “then the Lord awoke as one out of sleep, like a mighty man that shouts... and he smote his adversaries backward.” He cared, all right.

I love the powerful wording of the book of Ruth. She appeals to Boaz for help, and he immediately strides off to the city to take up her cause. No wonder Naomi says to Ruth, “Sit still my daughter, for the man will not rest until he has completed the thing today.” That’s God’s heart for you.

This is the secret that has revolutionized my waiting: He is not waiting. He is working on my behalf right now! Why am I still waiting? Because His plan is deeper, broader and more powerful than this one aspect and this one life, and He won’t stop until all things are the way they’re supposed to be. Even if that means I need to wait.

Reality Check

I went to visit a good friend the other night: she’s my age... and has five adorable children. She is everything I should be most jealous of, but it isn’t just jealousy that Mary provokes me to. Of course, bumping against her life (They wake up six times a night??!) reminds me of all that is good about mine, and that provokes me to thankfulness. Bumping against her life matures and re-stokes my childhood vision for motherhood: it’s costly and it’s precious in God’s sight. Remember how the Bible tells us to “provoke one another to love and good works”? Well, Mary provokes me to serious preparation for the answer to my prayers!

- by Elisabeth Adams

Seasons of Singleness - Part One

A Time to Wait

Dear girls,

Ever since Natalie wrote “Seasons’ Perspectives,” I’ve been thinking about those of you who aren’t married, or engaged, or courting, or even “just friends.” I stayed up ‘til past midnight the other night, scribbling down ideas for you. I had plenty of time yesterday (while I was removing wallpaper from our bathroom walls) to think and pray about what I might say to you. But as inspired as I felt then, I’m not so sure when I pull out my laptop and stare at the screen that I have anything important to share.

But I’m going to go on the assumption that you are like me. I’d love to have an older sister: close enough to remember how hard my season of life is, but experienced enough to give me a little advice on what comes next. Gretchen and Natalie and Lanier have been like that for us, haven’t they? I love talking with older women: it makes me feel that if they have made it thus far, perhaps I can too! For many of us, mothers and grandmothers fill that role. But I still need to talk with those who are in my season of life.

It’s called waiting.

As a teenager, I had every expectation of following in my mother’s footsteps: she was married at nearly 22, and went on to have eight children. If you had told me at 19 that I was about to experience 10 years of singleness, words could not have expressed my misery. Now here I am: 29, longing more than ever for husband and children of my own... and one of the happiest people I know. Such are the surprises of life with Jesus: it is more painful and more joyful then your imagination can ever predict. It’s hardly worth the time, then, to break your heart over an imagined future (good or bad) because it won’t be that way.

Some of you are asking, “What do I do while I wait?” In the years between 13 and (almost) 30, I have found some things that work, and some things that don’t.

What doesn’t work

• Only seeking God if He’ll talk to me about my love life.
• Being stoic and pretending I’m fine when I’m not.
• Using scorn (against myself or the guy) to dampen my emotions.
• Stealing attention from a guy.
• Growing my ego at another’s expense.
• Indulging my imagination in order to satisfy my self.
• Defining myself primarily as a single.
• Clinging to my choice for my life.
• Focusing on the fact that I can see no prospective husband on the horizon.
• Allowing disappointment to grow into bitterness.

What does work

• Seeking to know God as my best friend, no matter what my life looks like.
• Recognizing emotion as having an effect on my life and discussing it frankly with God.
• Growing to know and love another child of God as he truly is.
• Unselfishly praying for a guy... who may never know you are doing it. (At least not before heaven).
• Recognizing that I may not be the best for this guy, and quietly waiting for God to show me.
• Habitually countering my imagination with the truth: to Whom this guy really belongs, what our true relationship is – today – and what true love will do for him as a result.
• Defining primarily myself as God’s child, with all the blessings and responsibilities that entails.
• Continuing to toss the ball back into God’s court, every time my desires come to mind.
• Recognizing the fact that I am in miracle territory – with the Expert in miracles on my side, and folks like Isaac and Rebekah, Ruth and Boaz, or even Abraham and Sarah for company.
• Becoming expert at seeing what God has already given me (and keeps giving me daily) and thanking Him for it, while asking with childlike faith for today’s grace...and tomorrow’s dream come true.

- by Elisabeth Adams

Setting Standards

In prelude to February 14 we will be sharing a series of wonderful articles on singleness and courtship by a variety of Team Members. Watch for a piece by Chantel tomorrow...

The below is a comment I gave in response to an article about physical touch before marriage. As tempting as it is as single girls to set high standards (and I am not discouraging physical purity or honoring a parent's wishes), there is a point where even this good thing might go into dangerous, unhealthy territory.

I commend you for desiring to remain above reproach. However, I almost guarantee that five years from now you will look back and chuckle at how firm you were in areas that are not only Christian liberty, but ones that can be enjoyed to the glory of God!

It concerns me that girls might be so firm on waiting to even hold hands before marriage. Is it wrong to wait? Probably not. Is it "best"? More importantly, is it "best" across the board for young ladies? Here are my objections.

1) If you state this publicly others will hold you to it, even if you later change your mind. More than one friend of mine measured her purity by her ability to save her first kiss for the wedding altar. More than one friend of mine changed her mind before marriage and either battled intense guilt or was condemned by others for lowering her standards.

2) If you believe this, it is a great temptation to look down on others who have "lesser" standards and/or think that to do such is truly sinning, or at the very least, not as godly. Again, this is a symptom of the searching-for-God's-best syndrome.

3) We girls are the last ones who should be setting the rules on "how these things should be in my courtship." Certainly, if you felt that you did not want physical touch--especially for a good reason--I imagine any gentleman would honor that. However, in general, it is the gentleman and the maiden's father who determine how the courtship and engagement should be....and yet sometimes we girls have it all planned out in our heads before we even meet our future mate--forgetting there are a lot of other people involved!

4) What if your beloved has not held to as strict a standard? He might have held a girl's hand, hugged her or even kissed her....what would you do? Would you dismiss him as unworthy? Make him somehow prove that he was still pure? Feel your own efforts were wasted? Condemn him?

Has he truly sinned? Perhaps...but perhaps not. Will you be devastated if you cannot find a suitor who is "as pure" as you? You may have non-negotiable standards. But ruling out a suitor because he had held a girl's hand?

5) There is a great danger in redefining purity according to a standard that is not God's. Our Father clearly tells us what purity is and is not. But to say, as I see in some girls' comments, that the advocation against premarital hand holding is "fighting for purity" is not true. Not according to the Bible's definition.

6) As much as we would love to have the security of absolutes, abstaining from physical touch is not a guarantee that you will remain pure in a relationship--just as committing to courtship does not guarantee an absence of heartache or pain. Ask anyone who has been in love--just looking into your beloved's eyes is very very wonderful and can stir up thoughts just like the sound of their voice or even a memory of them. This is the way God designed us! No matter what rules you make, we will be tempted. The key is how we respond to temptation and honor God with ourselves--in touch, in look, in speech, and in thought.

Physical touch should not claim all the limelight. The focus is much better placed on how wonderful and beautiful Godly romantic love is!

Reflections

Thoughts written for September 6th.

Just three years to the day shy of 30 and I never imagined myself to be where I am now. I had never given it much thought. From the time I could count my years using only one hand, in my mind it was a fact that I would have long since been a mama. What else would I be?

Even at age two, God blessed me with natural maternal instinct and domestic interests. This was in turn a blessing for Mom as I was helping to feed and diaper my baby sister when I was 4 or 5 (and yes, my mom used cloth diapers and pins!).

I suppose it was only natural that I chose to be a teacher. I don’t remember needing to take any time at all to decide what I wanted to do; I had been working with children from the time I was a child myself so when it came time to enter university, I applied for a place in the College of Education. Though I went to school to be a teacher, I had always longed for the role of mother.

Clearly, in order to be a mother, a father is also needed. So, more importantly, I supposed I would have also been married by now. I would have been a bride of youthful energy, ready to create a beautiful and welcoming home for my husband, filled with a few adorable children who would all be raised well-mannered and healthy.

But, Yahweh has had a different plan. As the One Who knows the beginning from the end, He knew my heart needed much work and re-shaping during those “youthful, energetic” years. Though occasionally I do feel as if time has been wasted, I recognize the infinite wisdom of the Deity; that He knows what He is doing in His time.

There is more to wifehood and motherhood than my childhood and youthful perception understood. So much more. In order to be a good mother, I must get to know my Heavenly Father and familiarize myself with His character. I must learn to love Him and His ways above all else. Learn to truly love others, to be patient and longsuffering. Oh how I would need to be strong in the goodness of the Lord in order to raise well-mannered children!

My trust in Yahweh has become more real and sturdy within the last few years. Nothing of eternal value comes of our own doing – it is only through God that we can do anything. I now understand that a home is not merely a visually appealing place to be kept in spotless order at all times, but a haven of love and safe habitation for growth and immersion in the Word of God. Children who may be placed in my care are not to be objects of pride, but opportunities to manifest the image of Yahweh. All is done through the LORD’s strength and mercy and none of my own ability as I had so foolishly believed in years past.

Why have I not yet been blessed with the role of “wife” and “mother”? My youthful years are quickly fleeting away. Maybe God has been preparing me instead for the return of His son, to be a part of the Bride of Christ, in ways not possible had I indeed become a temporal bride in my youth. Maybe God would like to transform me into becoming a bride of wisdom and grace.

Rather than being a wife set in her own way, desiring everything to be “perfect” through her own doing and then learning the harsh truth of reality after it is too late, God has spared me and given me the gift of Time. These years have not been wasted. No, there are many things to learn. It is now my prayer and my desire to be a virtuous wife, willing to pour myself into the life of my husband, becoming one as his companion on the short journey toward the Kingdom.

Hindsight always provides clear vision. I am very thankful that God has allowed me these years as an unmarried Sister in Christ to grow and be sharpened in His ways. My childhood wish of becoming a mother will not fade, but I can continue to become patient. The development of characteristics that make up a good wife and mother can take a lifetime. Even after marriage, it is a continual process of improvement and trusting in God, no matter the level of preparation we have been blessed with beforehand.

At 27 years of age, can I be found more suitable and prepared to be a bride than when I first entered the marriageable age? I can only hope. However, if God would like to offer me to a man as a wise and gracious bride… well, there is no rush after all. There is still much work to be done.

- by Jennifer W.

It is Wedding Season...What About Us Singles?

It can be challenging to maintain the proper outlook as a single in the midst of wedding season. For those of us who are without a prospective husband, this may be a difficult time as we see so many around us entering into the domain of “wifehood”.

Some close friends may be newly engaged. Our acquaintances and cousins, role models and pals in the blogging world…just about everyone, it seems, is getting married. Or is married. Or is expecting a baby. Or already has a few sweet babies. Everyone that is, except ourselves. Not only that, but for those of us in our middle to late twenties, the majority of these girls are at least two or three years younger than we!

Just moments, days or perhaps even a month before, we may have felt quite convicted in waiting faithfully for the provision of “God’s best” for us in a spouse. Then another person gets engaged. The one who we thought was just like us – she hadn’t a suitor in sight, either, and now even she is happily in love and making wedding plans. Suddenly we plummet from our resting place in the Hand of God into the valley of despair.

What about me? How am I different than all these other girls? Don’t You see that I have been longing for my chance to be a bride?

We may begin to question God as we slip deeper into the pit of self-pity. Our cheerfully warm heart has become cooler. Our interactions become less genuine with those who have the new title of “fiancée”, “Mrs. So-and-so” or “Mama”, or we may avoid their company altogether.

We sit down for a moment and sort through the turmoil in our minds while in solitude. We give ourselves time to ponder why God has blessed so many young ladies with the gift of romantic love and maternal care while our heart aches for an opportunity to have the same. As we park ourselves in the state of disappointment, we begin to think.

We think of all the women whom we have witnessed become brides-to-be, wives and mothers: all those who caused us to question Why them? Why not me? Considering each of their stories, we think of one lady who we have long envied. The one who married a dashing young man in her prime of youth and now has five children with hopes for more. We think of another mother who is struggling with her three little ones under the age of six and wonder why she gets to have three when we haven’t the ability to even have one. Another person comes to mind – a friend who just became engaged and then another with a different story and another...

Our minds become a bit clearer as we sift through the lives of others in our thoughts. We begin to regain peacefulness in our hearts and grasp a proper perspective once again. Yes, those are their stories. Not ours. Would we really want exactly what they have?

When we really think about it, the answer is no. We cannot be another person nor can we desire what another person has. God knows us better than we know ourselves; He knows what’s best. What may not seem “fair” or “right” to us today is actually a blessing in disguise. Our Heavenly Father is perfect. What His will holds for others is uniquely right for them and His plan for our individual lives is more beautiful than we can imagine – if we trust in Him and remain resting in His Hand. Everything that God brings into our lives, both the good and the bad are for our ultimate benefit in the molding of our character.

As we begin to look beyond ourselves and upward once again, we remember how small and insignificant we are in light of an Almighty and Righteous God. We are so very blessed to have even the breath of life! Are we really asking too much from our Father in desiring wifehood and motherhood? It is good to remember our position in relation to the very Creator of heaven and earth.

Though we are but small and insignificant in comparison to all eternity, the Master Designer does indeed care for us and desires to bless us and give us a chance to live forever. We have been created for a reason and God’s intended role for females is to be a helper and companion to man. We can fulfill this position now to our brethren in Christ, our fathers and brothers. God may have a plan to bring a bridegroom into our lives in His timing. We must continue to trust in Him. During the season of sounding wedding bells, we must not become discouraged. We can rejoice in the blessings bestowed upon all those who have entered into the realm of marriage and at the same time, express our thanksgiving to the One who has also so richly blessed us.

It is only natural for a female to long for a companion in a spouse and children to nurture. It is God’s design that we have these instincts. Our spirit must reign over our flesh. We need to guard our hearts from jealousy and coveting the stories of others.

Can we overcome this tendency to envy the blessings of others alone? It is necessary that we ask God for forgiveness and His help in renewing our hearts and minds to His glory. It is comforting to find solace in the listening ear of a parent, elder in the church or a close friend.

Over time, may we gain the wisdom to always count our blessings and be able to maintain focus on what we can do in service to God and our fellow mankind. Rather than looking with resentment to the lives of others who have passed through the season of singleness before us, let us praise God with them for their blessings and pray with them that God will lead them through the trials the new season will bring.

If it is God’s will, He will bring a spouse to us in His time and His way. Let us trust in our Almighty God and surrender our lives to His perfect plan. He will take care of our every need when we commit ourselves to Him.

- by Jennifer W.

No One In Sight?

A young lady commented on last week's "Seasons' Perspectives" that she sometimes felt sad because she was single with no prospects in sight. This reminded me of some of the courtship stories on our site. There are quite a few testimonies of young ladies who seemed to have no hope of getting married because there was no one around. A few examples:

• Ashleigh
• Jeanna
• Jordan
• Erin
• Aimee
• Holly
• Jennifer
• Kristy
  

I am sure that there are more, but this is a good start. If any readers have thoughts or encouragement they would like to pass along, do send it our way.

And if the blog does not have new material everyday you know it is because I'm so busy I often forget to eat, much less make sure things like blogs are up-to-date. But thanks for your patience...I'll make sure that at least three times a week an article is published. Beyond that...we'll have to see.

Seasons' Perspectives

YLCF has been all about marriage and courtship and whatnot lately.Does this mean we do not want to also write about singleness? No...but each of the YLCF Team writes about what the Lord is teaching her in that particular season of life in which He has placed her. Right now that means more posts on marriage than singleness.

Each of the Team Members takes a unique approach to how she writes her pieces. Some of the writers' articles rarely touch on singleness or marriage--they are about the Christian walk in general. Some write mostly on motherhood, some mostly on marriage...and depending on what other commitments each has in her life at any given time, some writers are doing the bulk of the submitting while others take breaks. It is pretty much impossible for me to plan out too precisely what topics will be covered when, and keep it all perfectly "balanced." Such is the nature of this website which is a constant dialogue between several young women in every season of life imaginable. That is part of what makes YLCF unique and part of why I love being a part of this ministry so much.

In the same way I want each of our Team Members to write honestly from the unique place they find themselves. For some, this is all about motherhood--for others it is all about the adventures of life before marriage.

One reader asked: What about those of us who aren't even that far? That is, those of us who aren't even "my friend" to someone? At the moment it feels in many ways (not just relationship-wise) like I'm waiting for my life to begin.

She is correct that the past few articles Gretchen has written have not been addressed to single young ladies in the true sense of the word. That is okay. Not everything on here could/should be applied by all our readers. I hope that some articles will be written that will spring from a writer who is in the same season as the above young lady--whether that is a Team Member or one of you readers who submit a piece (you can do that you know :smile).

Another girl commented: However, I must add that it is not healthy to spend too much time thinking of a possible future season of marriage. Doing so could foster discontentment or distraction from our role in maidenhood.

I agree. If YLCF tempts you to become unbalanced in your thought life then please avoid any articles with the label "marriage" or "courtship"! Though many of our readers are single, many are also married--if our target audience was only single girls then we would not publish nearly so much on the topic of marriage as that would be unbalanced.

However...I think that writing too much on the topic of singleness can be just as unhealthy. One (of many) things I so admire in Chantel's writing is that she shares of the beauties and pains of the Christian life pure and undiluted. She focuses on nothing more than that--and all of her pieces are so precious because of that!

The majority of YLCF writers have been getting married or preparing to be a bride, so this is likely why there have been more posts about the topic of marriage lately. We look forward to future articles that may relate to faithfulness in the season prior to courtship.

I am sure there will be many more. As to who and when will write them....that is up to each Team Member and to you readers. I'd welcome more pieces submitted on any of our topics. In the meantime, thank you for all sharing your thoughts so sweetly and with encouragement. Thank you for traveling this path with us even when we are very busy and distracted...though we must keep our priorities in line (for more than half of the Team Members this means God first, then my husband, then my children, then everything else) this ministry is close to all of our hearts and we hope that the Lord will continue to enable us to serve for a long time to come.

What are you doing?

"So. . .what are you doing with your life?" is something I am often asked. Actually, I think anyone between the ages of 18 and 29 hears that question a lot. There are so many changes and major events that occur in this season of life. We join our friends in having graduations, jobs, weddings and – weirdly enough – our own children.

Having been in TeenPact for quite some time, I am able to watch as my fellow students grow up and walk through these life changes. Some people are now in law school; some are married and the parents of multiple small children; some are serving in the military overseas; some are well on their way on the political path to take over the world; some are revolutionizing their college campuses and some are serving in ministry at their local church. The span of influence is unbelievable.

But despite the diversity, there is a common theme that runs through each life – a familiar passion, excellence and focus. By God’s grace, the majority of TeenPacters are applying the lessons learned from the ministry and are living radical lives of faithful service, wherever they are. Our generation is slowly, surely and solidly making an impact in our culture. Thank you, Tim Echols.

As I observe the brilliant array of talents being displayed all around me, it brings me back to my own answer to the "what are you doing with your life" question.

If you ask me about life since my first TeenPact class, my answer will inevitably reflect the unique path God has called me to walk these past eight years. I have learned how to administrate a conference and the importance of behind-the-scenes serving through an internship with Sovereign Grace Ministries; how to meet Governors and minister to young girls through my internship with TeenPact; how to teach ancient history to high schoolers and how to enforce tough love through an apprenticeship with Gayle Graham; how to write press releases and that integrity is the most valuable asset for any employee through working for U.S. Senator George Allen. And somewhere in between I found time to be in a local Christian band, act in community theater, direct regional home school graduations and – most importantly – to serve in my local church.

I see my patchwork life not as a tribute to myself (God forbid!) but as the perfect exhibit of God’s sovereign, kind and faithful direction. The varied nature and uncanny timing of each season clearly proves that only God Himself could have pieced together so many diverse opportunities and create the resume I have today. Though I have never taken a single college class, God has provided me with extensive training and education. I have been given a set of marketable skills which serve me well and bring me much joy as I use for the glory of God. He has truly ordered my steps and I stand amazed.

So now I actually have to answer the "what are you doing with your life" question, don’t I? Or maybe not. Allow me to get philosophical for a moment.

When asked, I would ideally like my answer to be this: "I am pursuing God with an undivided devotion, I am serving my family and friends with selfless love and I am doing all my tasks with excellence and joy."

Is that a cop-out answer? Perhaps. But from my perspective, the details of what I do for a living is insignificant in the broad scheme of things. Sure, I have the amazing honor to work full-time for TeenPact but is that what I am "doing" with my life? I could work for the Pope himself and not be living with passion, excellence and focus. While a career path is often a means God uses to provide for us and to allow us to affect the world around us, He is ultimately after my heart – not my resume.

John Piper, well-known author and pastor, said this, "Life is wasted if we do not grasp the glory of the cross, cherish it for the treasure that it is and cleave to it as the highest price of every pleasure and the deepest comfort in every pain." The measure for what we’re "doing" with our lives is marked by how consumed we are with God and His glorious purposes.

One thing that TeenPact taught me as a high school student is how to not waste my life. At every turn I was inspired to engage the culture, embrace truth and enable others to grow in their walk with God. Now, myself being firmly entrenched in the 18 to 29 year old crowd, I am jealous that my peers and I would take what we learned in TeenPact and apply it to our everyday lives – be it at college, at home, at church, at the office or in private. That kind of dedication doesn’t come to pass on its own. It must be taught, coached and encouraged. Good fruit requires years of good habits. That starts today, my friends. To have a life where we are making an eternal difference begins right now.

So. . .what are you doing with your life?

Again, John Piper says, "Whatever you do, find the God-centered, Christ-exalting, Bible-saturated passion of your life, and find your way to say it and live for it and die for it. And you will make a difference that lasts. You will not waste your life."

Lydia Shanks lives in Richmond, VA and works full- time for TeenPact as Staff Developer and State Class Manager. This was originally published in the TeenPact newsletter.

Wisdom from a Grandfather

From a letter written to Gretchen some years ago by her grandfather...

Wisdom defined God's way as this--the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. My daughter, if you will receive my words to lay up my commandments with Thee, so that you incline your ear unto wisdom and apply your heart to understanding. Then you shall understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

When wisdom enters your heart and knowledge is pleasant to your soul, discretion shall preserve thee and understanding shall keep thee to deliver you from: 1. The way of the evil man, 2. From men that speak perverse things.

That is God's advice.

This is Papa's advice:

1. Don't fall in love!

Love is the fruit of the spirit of God. Fruit grows when the seed (the Word of God) is planted in the good soil of the heart. Fruit grows from the branches, which abide in the Vine. If we abide--we produce fruit. If no fruit is produced, the branches are pruned.

True love is defined as eight positive and eight negative heart attitudes, actions or responses to tests, trials, and temptations, encountered along the way of life. Our actions then establish our habit patterns which ultimately develop our character.

2. Don't Fall in Love. Stand.

Stand, having your feet planted on the firm foundation, which is Jesus Christ. Stand fast with the whole armor, that you may be able to withstand the wiles of the devil.

Stand. Abide. Obey. Submit. Seek His will. Serve as He leads the way through the storms, over the rock slides, around the slough of despond, and finally to the verdant pasture of peace and contentment where love will bloom and bring forth its fruit in due season.

3. Don't Fall--but Grow in Love.

That your love may abound more and more in knowledge in all judgement (perception, discernment). That you may approve (distinguish) things that are excellent...and there are many excellent things out there today!

4. Don't look for love.

As seed planted in the good soil needs warmth, moisture, and light, so we can produce:

The warmth of friendship and service in compassion. We can water the seed with the water of the Word. We can shed the "light of the world" in the world.

Be patient as the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth and has long patience for it, until he receives the early and the latter rains. First the blade, then the ear, and then the full ear of corn.

5. Don't measure love--observe it!

You may be attracted, but don't be distracted by: words, looks, and kindnesses to you!

The yardstick of love is not how he looks at you but how he sees:

1. God
2. The World
3. Other Women

The true measure of love is not how he speaks to you, but how he speaks to his mother and his sister. That is how he will speak to you later on.

6. Don't hope to fall in love...

...but be willing to love those you are serving. Love is not an emotion, but rather a matter of the will. Love is kind--a learned response of the heart when others are unkind.

Love is a commitment--dying to self--a life of giving. An attitude of serving. A heart that is kind, compassionate, and caring in spite of the circumstances.

7. Don't rush into love.

Wait!

And again I say wait!

Watch. Beware. Watch out.

Wait on the Lord.

- by Dr. Bill Brink

Journey - Part Five

May 14, 2006

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful—for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 1:13).

I am discouraged with myself. I keep seeing more areas of my life that are imbalanced. Not that I don’t want to know; I don’t want to stay as I am. Must remember I can’t do it in my own strength. I wish I could—it would be easier and enable me to be in control.

“Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?” (Jeremiah 15:18) I want to be healed and strong not for my sake, but so I can help others. But there is no five-step plan for healing wounds.

This morning the pastor shared a story from Elisabeth Elliot’s time in the jungle. She was traveling with a guide and came to a river crossing. Only a log spanned the river; Elisabeth could not walk across alone. Her guide held out his hand and gave her just the lightest touch. It was enough—she was able to cross without looking at the river or even the log. She said, “But the lesson the guide taught me was trust. The only thing I really needed was the touch of a steady hand. We don’t need to cross all the logs at once. We take them as they come, and it is the same guide who helps us over each. We go with him.”

“When you did awesome things we did not look for, you came down and the mountains quaked at your presence! From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him” (Isaiah 64:3, 4).

The Challenge of Not Knowing

May 17
My spirit is in turmoil…I am not strong. If there be any standing firm, ‘tis by His grace alone. “I need Thee every hour, in joy or in pain.” Have I climbed off the altar? A desire for, a reverence of, a delighting in marriage is good. Am I willing to never have it?

You know my heart. Search it. I’ve not received the grace for that yet. But You offer what I need to face today; and today’s challenge, indeed, the one that appears to be mine for many months to come is that of Not Knowing.

“But…now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, you are our potter; we are all the work of your hands” (Isaiah 64:8).

May 19
“I’m awkward and ugly. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals…I’m afraid I’ll never fit in anywhere.” – Jo, Little Women

Lord, I cry out to you! Emotions, cannot, must not be in charge. Oh, my heart bleeds…everything in my life feels uncertain. This is trusting You to the extreme. My emotions may rage but oh, help me…help me to remember what is true. You are asking me to walk by faith. To do what is best with no idea of the outcome.

If I have You, is it not enough? Is there a more challenging question ever uttered? All these thoughts must tie together. Even if ‘tis not clear right away. Lord, here are many pieces. Here is truth, here is Your word, here is emotion, here are dreams. Please make it into something beautiful—beautiful in Your eyes.

May 25
Thank You, Lord, that You are enough. You have given me this whole wide wondrous world to explore and adventure in. I am blessed. The tears can only be held back so long. Not sure when to let them fall or what they all mean. Just…so much emotion!

I don’t know what You’re doing, but I’ll let You do it. I do want You to do it. To be more of what You desire. I’m just so worn out right now.

June 2
So tired. I am overwhelmed.

June 3
I long to please You. Whatever the cost. I’m staying on the altar. Help me.

June 25
Comfort will only kill. What are my ideals? Can I keep them and hold out, sacrificing and fighting for them?

June 30
I reach the breaking point where I can’t hurt anymore and I go numb. I’m very, very tired.

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, Who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself protect, confirm, strengthen and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10).

~ ~ ~ ~

My journal entries end here, not to be continued for many long months. Though in the beginning I still possessed the ability to express myself through writing, that was only the small stuff. As the fire intensified my strength to write lessened until it hurt too much to even try. The true suffering however, had only begun.

Journey - Part Four

“Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.” – Shakespeare

How often do we follow this adage from a long-ago era? I am continually humbled by how much I hold inside, to my detriment.

Emotions Question Reason

Why do we write? "Why do we do it, we writers? 'Of making many books there is no end,' sighed the Teacher of Ecclesiastes...I think we do it because each of us has nothing else to offer than a living point of view that differentiates us from every other person on this planet. We must tell our stories to someone." (Phillip Yancey, Soul Survivor, 261. Emphasis mine.)

Last year's emotions are still fresh on my memory but my journals provide an even clearer look at the internal wrestling I hid under a smile or a laugh.

The following are excerpts from entries I composed during the final days of preparation leading up to Gretchen's wedding. Only a few days earlier I had turned down a suitor. Now, the experience too recent to even process, I headed West to help my best girlfriend decorate, pack wedding gifts, and celebrate the fulfillment of her dreams.

~ ~ ~ ~

May 11, 2006
It is a lonely place, my King. Perhaps that is the nature of the altar, and most particularly, of mine. My heart says, “No one else is offering up on their altar—is this really what I must do?" If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me! (John 21:22) This is my call today. “If it is my will that Gretchen marry and you, Natalie, remain single all your life, what is that to you? If others may have children and you cannot, what is that to you?”

You follow me.

Forgive me, Father, for looking around and being dragged down. I have kept my eyes on others instead of on You. It is enough that I follow You wherever it pleases You to take me. It must be enough.

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24, 25).

These things I offer up—indeed all of myself—are not mine to begin with. How can I say it is all a gift and then feel cheated or as if I am suffering when I don’t get the gift? Let the fire burn! Sear away these impurities and flaws—I do not want the intensity to lessen. I want to be like You. I make the choice. I choose the less-safe road. Thank You that You are pleased with even the weakest, faltering step.

Be ye steadfast, immovable. I know the choice I made was right. And even when the emotions come, the natural (God given) desire to be loved and adored as Merritt does Gretchen and as [he] did me, I must stand firm. It is not enough. Natalie, you know what sort of man you want and even more, what God has taught you to desire. Nothing less will do.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil” (Ephesians 6:10, 11).

May 12
Thank You that we are not to walk alone, but that You support, help, and love us through the Body. Thank You that You will not be content to leave me as I am now but will continually work to make me like Jesus. I long to be conformed into the image of Your Son. I see now that path leads through valleys and fire. By Your grace I will continue on, one day, one hour at a time.

One sees great things from the valley;
only small things from the peak.
– G.K. Chesterton