How a Soul Grows Through Loss

All people suffer loss. Being alive means suffering loss. Sometimes the loss is natural, predictable, and even reversible. It occurs at regular intervals, like the seasons. We experience the loss, but after days or months of discomfort we recover and resume life as usual, the life that we wanted and expected...But there is another kind of loss...this kind of loss has more devastating results and is irreversible.

Such loss includes terminal illness, disability, divorce, rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental illness...if normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face some new and devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life...

I saw a vast darkness closing in on me. I was terrified by that darkness. I wanted to keep running after the sun, though I knew that it was futile. So I lost all hope, collapsed on the ground, and fell into despair. I thought at that moment that I would live in darkness forever. I felt absolute terror in my soul.

Later my sister told me that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.

I discovered in that moment that I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or face it as best I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey where ever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and to yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what that would mean.

- Excerpted from A Grace Disguised by Jim Sittser

Fascinating

Ravi Zacharias writes:

From the beginning God positioned this relationship of man and woman in a unique context. Having created Adam, God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone' (Genesis 2:18), so He created a partner for him. Man's aloneness was an impediment to his complete fulfillment.

I find that to be thought provoking, because in a very real sense, man was not alone. God was with him. Adam experienced companionship in his relationship with God...yet God said that man was 'alone.' Interestingly, He made this pronouncement before Adam's disobedience ruptured his relationship with God. So when God says, 'It is not good for man to be alone,' He must have had in mind a kind of companionship uniquely human to help meet Adam's human finitude in a way that God designed and orchestrated (I, Isaac, Take Thee, Rebekah pg. 13, emphasis mine).

I pulled this quotation from a longer excerpt. But it's so profound...so thought-provoking that I could not wait any longer to share it with you all. If you have not read any of Ravi's works, I urge you to pick up his book on love and marriage. Reading it for me felt like all my thoughts and hopes and beliefs were clarified, refined, and expressed with laser-sharp accuracy which I could never have accomplished.

Edited May 2008

Influence of Femininity

The influence of applied femininity is, by any measure, incredibly determinative. In every culture, in every age, the power is awesome. And dangerous. As with any significant reservoir of power it may be used for good or ill. Its impact may be constructive or destructive. Like a mighty river, it is a force that may turn the turbines and generate power that will light up a community, a home, and a man's whole life. But undisciplined and unchecked, it may devastate, demoralize, and utterly destroy.

Some women have no clue how much actual power they hold, and those are the women who destroy their husbands by default. Other women are acutely aware of their power and make a conscious decision to become high controllers. But still other women, keenly aware of the power God has vested in their femininity, make a deliberate choice to use that power only for good.

- Stu Weber, Four Pillars of a Man's Heart, pages 258-259

The Heart of It

One of the most fascinating books I've ever read is Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. I want to share Piper's definition of masculinity and femininity with you.

At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect women in ways appropriate to a man's differing relationships.

At the heart of mature femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman's differing relationships.

For in-depth explanation of these definitions, check out chapter 1 of the book, available free to read at the link above.

Wisdom from Elisabeth Elliot

Jim Elliot corresponded with one missionary in India and one in Ecuador, seeking to determine which field he should go to. In view of the information he received, he simply made a choice: Ecuador. It was not a "shot in the dark." It was an act of faith in a God who promises to guide.

Must you have a "specific call"? A call is a combination of desire, concern, and commitment. "You can't steer a parked car," Jim used to say. It makes sense to move in the direction you believe God is leading, trusting Him as a faithful Shepherd to lead you in paths of righteousness for His (not your) name's sake. Will He make it hard for His obedient sheep? Of course not. And if you are "steering your car" in the wrong direction, you can count on Isaiah 30:21.

Yes, both moving and waiting are required. But you have waited. It's time to move. There may be more waiting, but God knows how to slow you down, quiet your heart, cause delays in order to accomplish His purposes. See Isaiah 41:10.

-taken from the Elisabeth Elliot Newsletter, (c) 2000

A Daughter's Task

"Noiseless and cheerful as the sunshine, she went to and fro, doing the tasks that mothers do, but without a mother's sweet reward, holding fast the numberless slight threads that bind a household tenderly together, and making each day a beautiful success. "

-A Modern Cinderella, by Louisa May Alcott, pg. 35
click here to read the story on classicauthors.net

The Magic Garden (excerpt from PEARL of BEAUTY)

Below is a brief excerpt from Pearl of Beauty: Becoming Maidens of Purity. To read more, go here.

So Amaryllis went home, and for several more years she went straight ahead studying her own lessons, keeping her father’s house, being the very light of her father’s eyes.

Those were years when Amaryllis really grew. She was getting to be a woman now, very close to eighteen. She had grown to a woman’s size. She had grown to a woman’s mental stature, and she had grown to beauty so much greater than any beauty that could be seen in girls around her that she shone out as one star brighter than all the rest shines in the heavens, because she belonged to John Guido.

She had kept herself for him alone. In races she had ridden. She could sail a boat and she could swim, but there was not a boy living who had dared lay his hands familiarly upon her. To herself she was a sacred thing. She was set apart.

When she went to John Guido and said, “I have come back to you,” as she had promised, she must go with lips that no other boy’s kisses had touched. She must go with ears that had not been sullied with vulgarity. She must go as God intended that every woman should go to the man she loves. She must go untouched by other men, unsullied, absolutely clean. And deep in her heart, Amaryllis knew that as she was planning to go to John Guido, he was coming to her.

Study Questions:

1. There is a beautiful contrast in this story between selfishness and selfless love. Where John Guido and Amaryllis could have pursued their love for each other much earlier, instead they waited until the proper time. Both worked diligently at the tasks before them.
2. “I have not gone with the crowd. I have waited apart. I have kept myself something sacred, something holy, waiting for you.” Do you desire to be able to say this to your husband on your wedding day? Could a bride give her beloved anything more beautiful? Never!
3. Does this story leave you feeling happy, sad, or a little of both? Why?

Ideas and Activities

• Nearly every maiden loves the beauty of flowers. With your parents’ help, list the young ladies you would like to encourage. Leave a single bloom or a small bouquet of flowers at each home, secretly if possible.
• Accountability partner: Try memorizing verses each week, reviewing and studying during your daily devotions.
• Take full advantage of your maiden years to grow in beauty, knowledge and skill. Do not allow the time to slip through your fingers; redeem the days by setting practical, measurable goals towards developing in weak areas. This includes schoolwork, Bible study, ministries, and relationships—particularly with your family.

Note: Pre-ordering for Pearl of Beauty will end on April 25. After this date the price will go up to the regular retail of $10.99.

First and Foremost Wife or Mom?

In Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, Sharon Jaynes recalls a time when "a wife who became a mother remained first and foremost a wife." When did we change "working wife" to "working mom"? When did "housewife" suddenly become less important than "stay-at-home mom"?

Mrs. Jaynes writes of this paradigm shift:

I think the change is more of a reflection of the culture's shift of importance from being a wife to being a mother. Our focus has shifted from a home that is centered on the marriage unit to one that is centered on the children.

She quotes Dr. John Roseman, who reflects in the Charlottee Observer:

"This shift came about largely because America's shifted to a self-esteem based child-rearing philosophy, and women became persuaded that the mother who paid the most attention to and did the most for her child was the best mom of them all."

Mrs. Jaynes makes a powerful point as she notes,

Unfortunately, many times this [shift] has occured at the expense of the marriage. The wife becomes engrossed in her children's lives, and the husband becomes engrossed in his career. Twenty years later, they look up from their cereal bowls and say, "Who are you?"

A mother should never feel guilty for putting her husband before her children. Giving them the security of knowing that their parents love each other is one of the best gifts she can give them in the long run...

I believe the best mom of all is the one who loves her husband and gives her children the security of living within the protection of a rock-solid marriage, a marriage that exemplifies and models for them what God intended.

(emphasis mine)

Click here for my review of Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.

Whose Job?

“Alvin Reid, in his book, Raising the Bar, makes this observation – ‘Over the last 30 years, we have seen the largest increase in the number of professional youth ministers, youth ministry degrees being handed out, and para-church organizations designed to reach youth, and we have seen the greatest decline in youth baptisms ever.’

“…our current approach to youth ministry, number one, is unbiblical; number two, is antithetical to what the biblical model is for the evangelization and discipleship of young people; and, number three, it doesn't work.

“Whose job is it to evangelize my children? The church? No, it's mine. Whose job is it to disciple my children? The church? No, it's mine, which means that, at best, any youth ministry that's going to exist at all had better have a mission statement that says, ‘We exist to equip and assist parents as they do what God called them to do and not the church.’”

-Dr. Voddie Baucham, addressing the Southern Baptist Convention
played on a broadcast of Family Life Today, October 2-3, 2006

To read the transcripts:
http://www.familylife.com/fltoday/default.asp?id=8999
http://www.familylife.com/fltoday/default.asp?id=8820

His Purpose

The July 28 entry in My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers says:

"His purpose is that I depend on Him and His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process--that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that all is right because I see Him walking on the sea.

It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. God’s training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterward. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God’s end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious."

Wow.

Photo of Melinda L. and Gretchen Acheson enjoying a visit together in 2006

Intercession

Intercession is the hardest work in the world--the giving of one's self, time, strength, energy, and attention to the needs of others in a way that no one but God sees, no one but God will do anything about, and no one but God will ever reward you for.

- Elisabeth Elliot On Asking God Why, p. 130

When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

- Matthew 6:6

a girl's duty

"Then they all streamed after him along the garden-path, with the endless messages and warnings girls are so prone to give; and the young man, with a great softness at his heart, went away, as many another John has gone, feeling better for the companionship of innocent maidenhood, and stronger to wrestle with temptation, to wait and hope and work."

-A Modern Cinderella, by Louisa May Alcott, pg. 30
click here to read the story on classicauthors.net

Forgiving, preparing, and changing

A few weeks ago I saw that Carolyn McCully of Solo Femininity had interviewed Charisa on lessons learned as a wife. She offers several interesting thoughts that I have not heard too often. Check out "Learn to Forgive Completely" on Solo Femininity. A sample:

How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage? Learn how to admit your sin first! Learn to forgive completely without keeping records of wrongs. Being married, I find it so much easier to keep track of the ways Joe’s sinned against me. It’s a constant battle to wipe his slate clean in my mind and heart.

Guard our hearts?

Guard your heart, guard your heart
Don't trade it for treasure; don't give it away
Guard your heart, guard your heart
As a payment for pleasure, it's a high price to pay.

- Steve Green

How many of us grew up on the above song? The verse from Proverbs 4:23 echoes: "Guard your hearts!" But what does this really mean?

Watch over your heart with all dilligence, for from it flow the wellsprings of life. (NAS)
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (NIV)
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (ESV)

What is translated as "heart" here actually refers to our "mind, inner being" and not to our seat of emotions and affection. The "springs" or "wellsprings" are literally "the outgoings of life i.e. spiritual vitality." This verse, and I believe Steve Green's song, are speaking of far more than the usual "courtship culture" application.

In this way, we must indeed keep a firm hold on our emotions, particularly when it comes to love and romance (but let's not fail to apply it in other areas as well!). But the task is so great! Have you ever felt overwhelmed in the attempts? Our tendency might also be to swing from letting our emotions have free reign to keeping them in a prison cell where they will perish. How to find the balance?

Josh Harris's message "Courtship, Shmortship" (note: this message is geared toward singles of marriable age, not teenagers) gives "the courtship guru" himself"s take on the whole concept of "guarding our hearts":

We do not accept the unbiblical council of the world to "follow our hearts"; that is a recipe for disaster. We are called to bring the Word of God to bear on our heart. We should always be on guard against sinful desires. But guarding our hearts should not become a self-focused attempt to avoid ever being disappointed! Do you hear what I'm saying?

We're not to guard our hearts from attraction. Look, in friendships as single men and women, you're going to be attracted to people. Don't pick up and run away from that relationship the first moment that you sense some form of attraction. God can help you to process that in a godly way.

If we attempt to guard ourselves against attraction or disappointment, we will end up cutting ourselves off from the good gifts of friendship and fellowship that God has for us. God can help you deal with attraction to a friend you have. You don't have to run away from that relationship.

And if, as has happened to probably all of us, if the person that you are interested in doesn't share the same kind of romantic interest in you, God will enable you to trust Him and enable you to walk through that disappointment. You see, our ambition as Christians should be to live lives that point to God as our greatest treasure. To live lives of love for others that display the love that God has shown to us. Our desire should be to never do anything that hurts another person or causes that person to stumble, but we are not called to flee from any disappointment in life. We are called to life lives of faith.

To hear the entire message (very thought-provoking), you can listen or download it at Covenant Life's website here. I highly recommend all of his messages; Josh is balanced and he is honest.

Girls, we cannot "guard our hearts" on our own. We were never meant to; we cannot try to. Look who promises to guard our hearts: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:7

Isn't one of our primary motivations for guarding our hearts a fear of being hurt? Let us not live this way any longer. C.S. Lewis, in The Four Loves says this:

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God's will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness...Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness...we shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it (pg. 170).

What are we to do when affections come? When our emotions cause us pain and uncertainty? The answer is in the preceding verse in Phillipians. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. (vs. 6)

If we lay our requests, our fears, our all before God, His peace will guard our hearts. Not from all pain, disappointment, and suffering--but from something far worse than these. The peace of God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ for His glory and our good. His peace will free us from anxiety and His love from fear (1 John 4:18).

Bride of Christ: literal or metaphor?

A good reminder, especially for the single daughter of the King…

“…who among us hasn’t detected an eerie resemblance between a contemporary Christian song and a pop diva’s breathy rendition of a sensual love ballad? But such eros-laced sentiments directed at Jesus aren’t a new trend. Neither is reading the Song of Solomon and other biblical passages as erotically charged letters addressed directly to the reader…

“I don’t question the devotion of anyone who says she loves Christ intensely, whatever language she uses to express it. But I have little patience for taking biblical metaphors too far and giving one’s relationship with God an air of irreverent chumminess. Somehow, the scenario in which ‘his princess’ shaves her legs for a date with Jesus seems to leave little room for fear of God.”

-by Agnieszka Tennant, “Dating Jesus: When ‘lover of my soul’ language goes too far”

Christianity Today, December 2006, page 56
click here to read the rest of the article

Neuroscience and Philippians 4:8

Ready for a science lesson? We had the priviledge of hearing my uncle give a sermon entitled "Neuroscience and Holiness" yesterday. What do science and holiness have to do with each other?

"Based on neuroscience we know that our brain changes when we think and learn. If you think on true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things our networks of neurons associated with these things will change. You will grow and strengthen the appropriate synapses. You will change. Following God’s command will physically change you."
-Professor Eric Straw, "Biology: neuroscience and holiness"

To understand where he's coming from, read the rest of the essay at www.professorstraw.com You might even sprout a new neuron or two.

In praise of a good wife

John Piper made public a letter he wrote in honor of his wife's birthday on December 27. Go here to read it in its entirety--it is a beautiful tribute on godly wifehood. My goal is to be a wife like this: one who supports her husband whole-heartedly as he pursues the Lord.

Below are several of the ways John praises Noel for supporting him in their 38 years of marriage:

You have supported me in my faith. When I have wavered in discouragement, you have never sunk, but stood. You have directed me to our sovereign King again and again.

You have supported me in managing a home with four small sons, now grown, and one late-arriving daughter, now growing. Only a mother can know what it costs the heart and body to be there for children all the time. But I know some of the cost. And I do not take it for granted. It shall not go unpraised. The price was high. Our sons are not perfect, but they are strong with your strength, and I am glad. May Talitha bring such strength to her man.

You have supported me as a Song of Solomon bride—bringing me more pleasures than I could ever deserve, and wakening in me hopes that heaven, which must be better, though there is no marriage there, will be indescribably good.

The poem at the end, For None But You is magnificent. There are few joys greater than a woman having complete confidence that her man has eyes for no one but her--for a lifetime. This is true love and commitment!

Resolutions

"I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptations. It is not serious, provided self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience, etc. don’t get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us: it is the very sign of His presence."

C.S. Lewis, Letters

“Let this New Year be the beginning of a new life wherein “old things are passed away”. Let all blessed old things stay, but let the clutter of our heads and hearts be removed, that new inspirations and new affections may come in to gladden our lives.”

Chester B. Emerson

Rain, Rain...

If you're having a dreary day in your part of the country, here's a nice perspective from Gretchen's 'little' brother:

Fall appears to have finally found its way to Northern Virginia. Two days ago it was 84 degrees and humid, but today has been a pleasant 55, rainy, with winds out of the northeast at 10 mph.

It seems like everyone around school has been complaining about the rain. Everyone except us northwesterners, that is. My fellow Oregonian Kenny agrees with me that this weather is great...

A Gray Day

Thoughts on Singleness, Purity, and Marriage - Part Six

"Christians never say goodbye!!!"

~ C.S. Lewis, A Severe Mercy

"God has given us families and brothers and sisters in the Lord to teach, exhort, protect, encourage, love, correct us…When we work apart from the guidance of those wiser than ourselves, we risk falling into error and we cannot function as a complete and healthy body."

(Introduction to Raising Maidens of Virtue, Stacy McDonald, xvii)

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?"

He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."

They said to him, "Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?"

He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."

The disciples said to him, "If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry."

But he said to them, "Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it."

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."

I reserve the right to speak for myself on such things, rather than have others speak for me. Nor do I give anyone the right to read into my letters [editor: or actions, or words] romantic subtleties that I have not clearly spelled out with my own hand. Maybe you've not thought of this in quite these terms before, but you have no right to wonder if I mean something romantic by it. I'm not giving you that right. Nor do I find that it is even my right to give away.

Josh Harris sums it up and leaves nothing to doubt in Boy Meets Girl (pg. 116), "One of the fastest ways to derail a man's attempts to practice servant leadership is to interpret his actions as romantic overtures." Don't look for the would, the could, or the maybe, because: 1) It's not there, and 2) You don't have the right to. I am a man under authority; I don't make my own rules, and I'm not at liberty to break them, even were I to desire to do so.

"Girls…I think I can understand how you feel. I'm sure that you can think of ways these Biblical truths have been misused and misapplied by domineering and chauvinistic men. I'm sorry that has been the case. Please know that there are many men today who want to spend their lives proving that that's not what Biblical masculinity is about. Don't give up on us. We need your support. We need your prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God—not on the men who have misrepresented His plan—and live your life in response to His commands for you as a woman." ( Boy Meets Girl, Pg. 117)

- submitted by David Eastman