God’s Truth and Red Flags (Part II)

Rough Spots
pre-marital and post-marital counsel
from the rocking chair of 54 years of growing in love

by Dr. Bill Brink (Gretchen’s grandfather)

Pre-trip things we should be discussing are possible problems along the way: politics, religion, morals, manners, money, likes, dislikes, standards of behavior, and child discipline.

Work on the rough spots here and now. They are potholes in the road. Don’t just paint them over the same color. Rough spots cause friction, friction causes wear and tear, and tears tend to fragment unions or directions. A square and a circle can very seldom be teammates, and rough spots get rougher when the going gets tougher.

Only the oil of the spirit of God can smooth out these rough spots if we allow Him to indwell and work in our hearts. And that is sanctification of the Spirit which we need to accept, and if we don’t accept it, that’s disobedience.

Spotting Rough Spots

• Are you both born again and indwelt by the Holy Spirit of God? Can you discuss this freely? Are you both led by the Spirit of God? (Galatians 5:18) Do you really walk in the Spirit of God? This is the protection against fulfilling the lusts of the flesh and having a car wreck matrimonially speaking. Are you bearing spiritual fruit? (Galatians 5:22)
• Commitment and surrender should be synonymous. If you’re going to tie the knot then you probably better be able to commit and surrender and give up to your traveling companion. (Romans 12:1)
• Can you measure his or her commitment? To you? To God? Does he really know the Lord? Do you really know him? If he spends very little time, attention, etc. on you, how would you measure his commitment? What if he says he is committed to the Lord and spends no time reading His Word, in prayer, or worshiping…?
• Will pressure from a job, activities, or family demands affect his or her commitment, dedication, and consecration to you and to the Lord?
• How does he treat his mother? His little sister? Does he show respect, love, and affection? Or is it only disinterest? If so, watch out!
• What are your standards for income? Can you be content with what you have or do you need a lot more? Can you be content below the average income, standard of living, housing, clothes? What about missionaries living on much less than you have? Would you sacrifice to help them?
• What is holiness? Is it just something at church or does it affect your walk? Is your sanctification progressing as 1 Peter 3:15 says it should be?
• Some people don’t believe in repentance, but it means a change of purpose. Can you change one another’s purpose or direction or is that the job of the church, the mate, or the Holy Spirit?
• If the guy says one thing but doesn’t mean it and then changes his mind, is it true repentance, turning around going the other way and intending to go the other way? Or is it just an emotional or volitional response—“I will change because then I can get what I want”? Is it a life-changing response? You need to recognize that before you start on this trek. Can he say “I’m sorry” and show it? So that you know it?
• What is the standard of worship?
• What is your and your mate’s focus right now? Will it change? Yes! Expect it! Can you handle change? Can you discuss this? Can you adapt to change?
• Disagreements will occur. Small, medium, large. How do you handle the small ones? Can you submit? Can you give up your rights? Even if the other person is wrong (in your way of thinking)? What is your point of reference for determining a solution when you can’t agree?
• Can you define loving with your “whole heart”? How much is your “whole heart”? Do I love my neighbor as myself? Do their ways irritate me? Am I a complainer with my neighbor? If I can’t get along with my neighbor no matter where I move, then how can I get along with my mate? (And if he tells you that his neighbor has never gotten along with him no matter where he moves, guess what? It was him, not the neighbor, and he won’t get along with you, either!)
• Can you define love? In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 there are eight positive and eight negative definitions of love. Can you read, discuss, learn, live, and love this way?

Pressure and Leaks

Down the road we will experience pressure from extenuating circumstances like flat tires, running out of gas, and getting lost. Will pressure affect our commitment to the destination?

That’s why time is really of the essence in learning these things. It takes time for pressure to build. Under pressure you may spot some leaks! Leaks are definitely yellow flags. And leaks usually get worse as time goes on. A blow out is a red flag. Our attitude will usually show in these situations. Is the attitude to impress others rather than to honor the Lord?

If you have not married yet…stop, look, observe, think! Consider your ways! How many yellow flags does it take to make one red flag? If you’re unconcerned about “little things” now, watch out! Little things, neglected, grow into bigger things!

If you have already married…consider your ways! Read Ephesians 5:22-33 together, discuss, and pray. Try with the indwelling Holy Spirit’s help to conform to the image of Christ and His pattern of love. He will lead us even when we are disobedient and unlovable because He gave Himself for us. That is the ideal pattern of love.

Consider your ways as you’re traveling along. What is your attitude to your neighbor, to your husband or wife, to the Lord who gave you each other? It’s too easy to take a detour. Consider your ways. Amen!

Photos: the newlywed Brinks in 1954
Bill Brink’s wife Jessica on “honeymoon” road trip across the USA in 1954 (top of page)

Related articles:
Part I of God’s Truth and Red Flags: Pay Attention to the Signs
Wisdom from a Grandfather by Dr. Brink
“You’re in the Army Now!” (the Brink’s courtship story)