Pay Attention to the Signs
pre-marital and post marital counsel
from the rocking chair of 54 years of growing in love
by Dr. Bill Brink (Gretchen’s grandfather)
As we’re driving down the freeway of life, we have to pay attention to the signs. Don’t cross the double yellow line. Don’t go over the white line on your side of the road.
The same holds true in relationships. We need to pay attention to what the signs are. And as we get to know each other we need to truthfully ask: What are some of the yellow flags? What are some of the red flags? And can we discuss these together, appreciating them and wholeheartedly agreeing on the signs?
On the freeway of life (and love), speeds are often excessive. How many yellow flags does it take to slow you down? How many yellow flags equal one red flag? If you don’t slow down, you’ll probably either take the wrong turn or have a crash—spiritually or matrimonially. That’s when injuries can occur—pain, sorrow, and regrets.
If you have not married yet, answer the questions truthfully, with an unfeigned heart. Pay attention to the signs. Don’t go down the wrong road!
If you are already married, consider your ways. Even after you’re married, you still have to obey the rules of the road.
1. Which direction are we going? Examine yourselves first. Are you in the faith? Are you both on the same page spiritually? This isn’t just a yes or no answer. You’re starting out and you have to be going in the right direction. Can you recognize if there’s any spiritual growth in your traveling companion? Or is it winter time and there’s no growth? Is it all icicles? (This could be a yellow flag, or a red flag.) If there’s no growth, don’t go down that street. Yellow Flag? Wait! Red Flag? Run! (1 Corinthians 13:5)
2. What do you want to be when you get there? You are now becoming what you are going to be. Do you want to be, or be married to, a happy old grandpa or a grumpy old grandma? Are you observing your friend’s reactions to surprise, stress, fatigue, shortages?
3. Before we even start, have we passed the test of time? Do you really know who you’re traveling with? How long can you wait? Can you wait through trying circumstances and situations?
4. Are we living life to serve the Lord or is it just a fun trip? How long do you plan to keep serving the Lord on this trip? Everyone likes a fun vacation, but do you really enjoy what you’re doing to serve the Lord—or is it just that you were asked to come along?
5. Where are we going to spend our time when we stop? Is this an entertainment-oriented trip, a service-oriented trip, do you have someone that you need to visit? Where do you spend your free time? What does your friend spend his or her free time doing?
6. Are we content on this trip? Can you be content in this old car? Can you be content with the passenger you’re traveling with? Do you think you can change her as you’re traveling together? That’s a yellow flag. Do you think you can change him? That’s a red flag!
7. How much money do we need for this trip? That could be a yellow flag. If you really want more and really need more money, that could be a red flag.
8. Are we on the narrow road? Have you read Matthew 7:13-14, 22? Have you discussed it? Are you agreed on which road you’re going—the broad way or the narrow way? Can two walk together except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3) If you failed question number one, and you haven’t discussed this, re-read, re-examine, re-consider. Marriage is also a narrow road, and few there are that find it.
9. Are we taking a lot of extra baggage on this trip? That’s a yellow flag. Can you go down the narrow road for a long time with all this extra baggage? You have to strive to enter in at the narrow gate. How much do you need? (This goes back to #6 and #7.) If the car is overloaded with baggage or expectations, you’re not going to make it. You can’t take a lot of extra baggage along, nor can you be going in the opposite direction for it to work.
Time to stop and add up your score.
If you can’t discuss them, that’s a yellow flag.
And if you can’t agree on them, that’s a red flag.
Yellow Flags = Caution! Slow down!
Red Flags = Stop! Look! Listen! If danger exists, do not proceed!
How many yellow flags does it take to make a red flag? If three or four yellow flags are all you can stand, that’s a red flag: stop and reconsider (Haggai 1:5, 7), go back to go.
Or can you in Christian love put up with the one on the trip and spend the rest of your life traveling this road in His service and have a happy marriage?
Photo: Bill Brink on “honeymoon” road trip across the USA in 1954 to report to Uncle Sam
Related articles:
Part II of God’s Truth and Red Flags: Rough Spots by Dr. Brink
Wisdom from a Grandfather by Dr. Brink
“You’re in the Army Now!” (the Brink’s courtship story)
What good, solid advice! I’m not in any sort of relationship yet, but I’ll definitely be tucking this away into my files for future reference.
What great adivce! The older I get the more I see what I do and don’t want in a husband. This list of warnings is a good guideline to start with. Thanks for sharing!
OK, confused by this:
“Do you think you can change her as you’re traveling together? That’s a yellow flag. Do you think you can change him? That’s a red flag!
“
Why is a man’s expectations of changing his would be wife any different from a woman’s expectations of changing her would be husband?
Or is it just cos this was written by a man?
Henrietta, regular reader, married to one man for 18.5 yrs
Henrietta, I think that was Papa’s dry sense of humor, in addition to the fact that being a man he might know they are even less prone to change than a woman is…